I've never written poems or anything but i had a weird dream a few days after my brother died. I dreamt I found a blank tape and i put it in a stereo, I heard Jeff crying and screaming saying all the things he wanted to say since he lost his speech. it's like he finally had a chance to let it out.
I wrote a poem as soon as i woke up inspired on most of what I heard. This one is for you Jeff...I love you.
It's the killer of hope, It will suck your life away
But not quick…no…that's too easy to pay,
It will start with your senses, It's so hard just to speak!
"IM LOSING MY HAIR! WHY THE FUCK AM I WEAK!"
It's ok to be scared, I'm not the only one sick
Technology grows everyday, could it just be a trick?
Radiation and Chemo, MRI's, new Picc Line
I'm like a lab rat to them, I feel like shit yet I'm fine?
I don't want to give up, the Doctors already quit
I feel like running in traffic, screaming "PLEASE LET ME GET HIT!"
Now I can't even walk, I seem to spit when I sit.
My mom's changing my diapers, "What the fuck is this SHIT!?"
I'm slowly dying I know…. I can't see, move or talk.
Yet knowing my family is crying, is fucking tearing me apart!
I can't live like this….FUCK!, please let me die!, let me go!
I don't want to be a vegetable, useless shit in a hole.
Seizures, headaches and vomit, are the easiest part
What really hurts me the most, is breaking everyone's heart!
I feel it crawling inside, taking over my brain
Astrocytoma they call it, the worse death one can gain.
I lived life with a smile, never gave up nor complained
Just so a fucking tumor appears, hitting me worse than a train.
It's a battle inside, spreading and killing my cells,
I'm trying to fight like a soldier, but there's no cure, there's no spells!
The unbearable pressure, the starvation and thirst
I never feared death, It's my life that's been cursed!
I feel dead but I'm breathing, I feel cold creeping in
It's pitch black, I hear screaming...."Don't go! Please! Don't let it win!"
Both my parents are crying. My sisters, cousins and friends,
My girlfriend's holding my feet, my little girl can't comprehend
I can't hold on anymore. Everyone's tears will stop soon,
The pain and sound fade away, as I will die before noon.
I am taking it with me. The love I felt in my heart,
I wont die if you'll remember, my dumb laugh and crazy art.
My sister whispers in my ear, don't worry bro, ill take care of my niece.
You wait for us there, and until then…
Rest in Peace.
If someone you know has been diagnosed with cancer, you might want to read my blog to know whats coming. My brother had an astrocytoma, it killed him in less than 2 years.
I had some complaints about having skulls on the background, Sorry but I will not remove them, these are drawings Jeff made and I know he'd love to see them on a website. This site is dedicated to my brother and i will decorate it his style. If you want angels and flowers go somewhere else.
UPDATE 2011-2012: If you have lost someone to cancer or know of someone battling with a brain tumor, please join my fundraiser and help me find a cure to brain cancer, I freaking hate this disease! http://www.crowdrise.com/jennysita